About Alexander "Apps" Taylor and FAQ

[Edit 2009-02-05:] Please note that this page is loaded with invigoratingly false content and should not be taken seriously.



Alex's Applications Corporation (Since 2003)
Sir. Taylor, Alexander (Joseph) (Since 1992)

In the beginning, there was Apps. Born a small black child, He grew wise and thought tall. Clearly, Alexander "Apps" Joseph Taylor (AJT) is the best man alive today.

In 1826, AJT beheaded and replaced the ringleader of the Microsoft Windows Network Setup Wizard interface, and in 2006 he was the most talented "titty twisterer" in the 9th grade.

Throughout his life, He dreamed of "millions of hornets mowing [his] lawn". His personal biologist genetically engineered such a breed of hornets that replaced gardeners, dishwashers and even the poop scoopers. Apps' lawyer advised him to patent the hornets, making ownership of any species of bees illegal in the U.S. from 1487 to 1489, triggering a depression.

Apps is the sole owner of his dog, Dogsapipy. Dogsapipy is the only reported K9 descendent of Chuck Norris. It has no face but is fed directly from God. When it died in June 15, 2018, crowds of German Musslims revolted, arguing that even a natural death of a dog so proper like Dogsapipy is utterly rude and unhumane. Three days later, Apps reincarnated Dogsapipy into its same body - a crime in his religion, Alexsappsism. To celebrate, the Muslims made June 18 "Pork Day".

In 2101, Apps decided life was overrated. He bought 4 acres of land in New York City, and raised state taxes by 0.8% to raise money for his memorials to be built. His grave was outlined with gold. In it, food was plentiful, and luxury was evident. A small kitchen, bathroom and hammock was all he wanted. On his deathhammock, his last words came: "make me proud, Apps".  Some said this inspiring comment to himself was selfish, while others argued that it was courageous.

Apps lived to an impressive age and died rich.


Fequently Asked Questions

What are you?

I was flabbergasted to hear that this question was frequently asked from my secretarybot. A heterosexual [Edit 2009-02-05: this word defines me inappropriately], self-aware, programatically compulsive member of the aristocracy, I am but the best man that ever lived, as obtrusivley stated in the third sentence of the above "About Apps" article. I am mostly a "real" boy consisting of genuine human components. Although I forget to bleed at times when my flesh is pierced, most scientists argue that I am still a legally certified human being.

What in the nation do you think you're doing?

Today, or on a typical day, I think I'm doing this: running/biking, programming, learning, (attempting to be) socializing, eating (food), aspiring.
Lifetime goals include:

1. Reorganizing the current AlexsApps lab
which is quite pathetic, currently. It is my room, which needs to be cleaned. Not much to say about this as a new lab will be created in place of the current, anyways.

2. Creating a new lab for AlexsApps
The lab will include an underground server farm. Employees will wear clean-smelling plastic gloves, baggy painter pants, tight black shoes and neckties while inside the boundaries of the lab. The floor will be of shiny cold tile. Four workstations with the newest Windows Server software will occupy the corners of the lab. Scary red LED lights will illuminate intimidating panels of hundreds of small, circular, unlabeled buttons. A cylindar-shaped fire-safe refrigerator with puffy cheetos and chex mix shall be located in the center of the lab, disguised as a mainframe computer. It may contain goat milk made fresh by the "security goats" whose primary job is to lick the lab clean when needed.

3. Programmatically reducing the average weight of the American citizen.
New born children in hospitals running AlexsApps software will have bluetooth adapters embedded into their brains which, in the event of an emergency, can receive turbo digestive signals sent by U.S. Congress to temporarily reduce weight issues in those who are horizontally extreme.

How do you matter?

Obviously, if you have read this much, I matter. I have provided text to occupy time of yours with which you dedicated to reading the text that I have provided. This accounts for less than 0.01% of why I matter, which, in my opinion, does not come as much of a surprise to you. You may be curious, "in what way does the best man alive today matter?". If you'd like to know, then you're in the right place at the right time! Here, I will thoughouly explain the concept which answers this and any... [to be continued]

What's your sleeping schedule? Why?

Each Sunday night I stay awake very super late and don't finish my homework. I wake up at 4am to finish my homework, causing massive sleeping deficiency and forcing a physical crash on my pillow following a 3 to 11 mile run during my 7th, yes 7th period class. It is 5 or 6 PM and I am unconscious. After a pleasant eight hours' sleep, a series of annoying beebs and toots sound from my alarm clock (the Annoying Alarm Clock). It is 1 am and I work for the Fong until school starts. During this 1am to 7am period of precious time, no solar heat or social distractions hamper my efficient, high performance process of procrastination. During the weekend, my schedule is repaired as I sleep from 5pm on Friday to 8am on Saturday - a 15 hour sleep to compensate for lost hours during the week. Still I may freely fall asleep at any given moment if I detect that it is convenient.

WTH else is wrong with you?

1. My watch and computer are configured to use military time.
2. My computer is configured to display dates in the format YYYY-MM-DD (2007-12-31), and this is how I write the date. Edit 20090622:  I stopped writing the dashes, but sometimes I write the time.  E.g. 20090602 0132 (now).
3. I've been wearing a "Drug Use is Life Abuse" wristband since 7th grade. I wear each one for ~1 year. I'm on my 4th year now.
4. I hate books.  Reading sucks.  HS Junior year - would've had straight A's if I bothered doing recreational reading.
5. I hate tv and movies. (But can tolerate it if with others and in accordance with The 0708 Project).
6. I tune out music by default. When I run, I hear my own songs playing in my head.  Often my songs come from sounds I hear other places.  I've also derived songs from the sounds I hear when I breathe when I run.
7. I memorized pi to at least 200 digits.
8. I've run 9 half-marathons as of 2009. (13-14 mile runs). I run during off-season and every day I can, preferrably anywhere from 6-11 miles.
9. I can't catch. E.g. a ball. (Sometimes it happens by chance.)
10. I have three pairs of glasses. One for distance, one for reading, one for reading on top of my contacts that are for distance.
10. #10 mysteriously disappeared.
11. I bring a laptop to school. This is for taking notes in Euro AP and for use it Computer Science AB. I already lost it once but I just got a newer, better one with Vista on it.
12. I write code for fun. Click View / Source in ie6, Page / View Source in ie7. I typed all the HTML myself. I code in Visual C#.NET 2003 and ASP.NET 3.5, make Batch files, VBS files and know some Java. I'm looking into MS C++ 2008, Perl and PHP. I love regedit, cmd and ACLs. Don't mean to brag...but looking at the facts, it is to my belief that I AM THE BEST WINDOWS PROGRAMMER / TROUBLESHOOTER (STUDENT) IN THE ENTIRE SCHOOL. As of 2007-12.
13. I prefer Vista over XP. I can't wait for Vienna. I have Vista Ultimate.
14. I brush my teeth left handed and occasionally annotate my English books or eat my cereal left-handed.
15. I can use a computer mouse adeptly with both my right and left hands.
16. I don't peck and can type over 100 wpm with 99% accuracy.
17. I am annoyed by at least 75% of students I see at school.
18. I walk super fast from class to class. I hate walking slow. Even when walking fast doesn't save time, I feel like I'm wasting time walking slow.
19. I feel obligated to write 20 things that are wrong with me.
20. I typed and published 20 things that are wrong with me.
21. I go to bed at about 6 PM. I then wake up somewhere between 12 and 2 in the morning, do homework, and go to school.
22. I habitually lock my computer whenever I leave it, even to go piss at 1 AM. I change my password regularly and enforce my family members to have passwords, which I know.
23. When signing up on a website and prompted for an email address, I say my email is . e.g. , or . That way, if they sell my email and I get spam, I know where the spammer got the email from by looking at who they sent it to.
24. The desktop wallpaper of my accounts on my primary computer and laptop is plain black.
25. I am trying to accquire the skill of being able to identify touch tones, the sounds you hear when you dial a number on your phone. Each number on a phone has a tone associated with it. See TouchToneTest.